Ready or Not

Tuesday at 12:30 p.m. our baby girl will arrive.

No rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night or wondering whether that pain is a "real" contraction." No water breaking while Christmas shopping or measuring how many centimeters dilated.

It's Dec. 9 at 12:30 p.m. That's it.

(Planned C-section because of placenta preevia.)

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but I'm kind of sad it's all planned. Is it possible to actually miss contractions? And I've never been a great "pusher", but I'm oddly disappointed about that not happening either.

When I was in labor with both kids, I distinctly remember wishing for it all to be over so I could just hold my baby. I just wanted to get on with it and fast forward.

Here we are 4 days from my C-section and I'm not feeling ready...like it's too early....like I want to wait for the baby to tell me she's ready to come into this world.

Even though I've been nesting like crazy and I like I'm about to burst, there are still three more weeks until my due date. To me, that seems like a long time when it comes to pregnancy. I'm not sleeping, I waddle and I have all kinds of aches and pains, but I just don't feel quite ready yet. Anyone who looks at me these days can't resist saying "You must be ready!!" A cashier at CVS even said "I just want to poke you with a pin and pop you."

I know I'm the size of a pot bellied pig right now, but I really don't mind it, and I completely don't feel mentally ready. I struggle to walk, I can barely bend over, and crossing my legs is out of the question. Still...I wouldn't mind a few more weeks.

Mostly I just want our baby girl to be completely developed and healthy, but I also think I need more than four days to wrap my head around the idea of a third child---a baby---joining our family. We haven't had babies in the house for 5 1/2 years. We sleep past 7 a.m. on the weekends, the kids don't need our constant attention and they're like real people now with independent thoughts and feelings.

What will it be like with our new baby? How will our family change?

I would like to think that we'll go with the flow since we've done this all before.  Maybe the lack of sleep won't get to us too much and there will be plenty of love and attention to go around.

But, let's face it. I'm scared.

I don't want the all-encompassing duties of taking care of a newborn to affect the two kids we have. I want to be there for them in all their special programs and activities and I want to notice when they're sad or need help. I want to  still be able to snuggle with them in the mornings or help them with homework without feeling like I'm falling apart. 

The thing is--I remember feeling like this before Johnny was born. Julie was 3 1/2 and I couldn't imagine how we would be able to manage or how we could love another child as much. We did it and we'll do it again.

The little girl is coming whether we're ready or not.